If I Were a Soap Opera Character

Ten things that would have happened to me if I was a soap opera character and not a real person:1. Married and divorced five times.
 
2. Seven extramarital affairs, which resulted in those five divorces. One of those would be with my brother's ex-wife.
 
3. Nine children, three of which resulted from those extramarital affairs, and another from a one night stand I had before my first marriage I didn't find out about until they were 19.
 
4. I would have been shot four times, stabbed twice, and almost killed in several car crashes.
 
5. I would have faked my own death... twice.
 
6. I would have a brother and a sister I knew nothing about until they turned up in my neighborhood. In fact I would actually date my sister until she told me who she really was.
 
7. I would have had 19 jobs over the past twenty years, all of them in my neighborhood because I wouldn't commute to work.
 
8. It wouldn't really bother me that my local pub gets a new landlord every 14 months or so.
 
9. Some people I've known for years would suddenly change their appearance and even become shorter or taller, although I wouldn't actually notice this.
 
10. Relatives I used to see up for until a few years ago before they moved away would never turn up at weddings and funerals, and I'd never wonder why.