Have you ever fallen in love with someone? Who am I kidding? Everyone’s fallen in love with someone at some point in their lives, haven’t they? Even me.
Sure, there were women over the years that I knew that I found attractive. But it wasn’t until about twenty-odd years ago that I actually met someone and thought that this could possibly be it.
She was everything I wanted in a woman. She was beautiful, charming, witty, intelligent, and I got on with her like a house on fire. We flirted with each other, we had our fair share of banter, and people could see that I was really, really interested in her.
My own self-doubt held me back though. Even though I had strong feelings for her I was too afraid to actually tell her how I felt. I was also scared of the age difference. Even though we seemed to have a lot in common she was ten years younger than me, in her twenties while I was in my thirties. I know people will say age is just a number these days, but back then it worried the hell out of me.
Her path in life took her elsewhere, out of my life, onward and upward to better things as it were, while my path took me down a path of severe mental health problems, not brought on by my inability to tell her about my feelings, but by other events in my life.
Given the way my life went in the years afterwards it may have been for the best that I never told her how I felt. I’m not sure she could have handled what happened to me as I battled my demons, demons which nearly took me down a route I never would have been able to return from. I saw her once, by chance, during that difficult period, but I hid myself, not wanting her to see the person I’d become.
The last I heard she’s doing very well for herself. She’s happily married, got a couple of kids, nice job, you know the drill. As I go through life I sometimes wonder what might have been if I hadn’t been so damn afraid back then. There’s been a couple of other women I’ve had similar feelings for, but nothing like this.
A big part of me thinks that I’ll probably never get married. After all, who wants someone that’s got a heart and lung condition, is a fussy eater and who prefers to stay at home rather than go down the pub for a drink or three.
Ifs and buts and all that.
Her path in life took her elsewhere, out of my life, onward and upward to better things as it were, while my path took me down a path of severe mental health problems, not brought on by my inability to tell her about my feelings, but by other events in my life.
Given the way my life went in the years afterwards it may have been for the best that I never told her how I felt. I’m not sure she could have handled what happened to me as I battled my demons, demons which nearly took me down a route I never would have been able to return from. I saw her once, by chance, during that difficult period, but I hid myself, not wanting her to see the person I’d become.
The last I heard she’s doing very well for herself. She’s happily married, got a couple of kids, nice job, you know the drill. As I go through life I sometimes wonder what might have been if I hadn’t been so damn afraid back then. There’s been a couple of other women I’ve had similar feelings for, but nothing like this.
A big part of me thinks that I’ll probably never get married. After all, who wants someone that’s got a heart and lung condition, is a fussy eater and who prefers to stay at home rather than go down the pub for a drink or three.
Ifs and buts and all that.
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