Vince McMahon & Zach Gowen - The First Meeting

Once again, I have a world exclusive for you. Some of you may recall that two years ago I published the transcript of a meeting between Fusient Media and AOL/Time Warner executives with regards to the sale of WCW. Just recently I also obtained an exclusive transcript of a Diary Room session featuring Big Brother UK contestant Cameron Stout.

Well, I've got another exclusive for you, for it would seem that Zach Gowen, one of the most-talked about wrestlers at the moment, actually approached the WWE for a job a year ago, long before his appearance for NWA:TNA. What you are about to read is a transcript, secretly recorded, of a meeting between Zach Gowen and Vince McMahon that took place in McMahon's office last year.
 

Vince McMahon (VM): How d'ye do. Nice to meet you. Er, Mr...Gowen, is it not?
Zach Gowen (ZG): Yes, Gowen by name, Gowen by nature.
VM: Sit yourself down.
ZG: Oh, yes, alright.
VM: Er, Mr. Gowen, you are auditioning, are you not, for the role of a professional wrestler.
ZG: Yeah, right.
VM: Mr. Gowen, I couln't help noticing, almost immediately, that you are a one-leggéd man.
ZG: Oh, you noticed that?
VM: When you've been in the wrestling business as long as I have Mr. Gowen, you get to notice these little things almost instinctively.
ZG: Yeah, well you're bound to...
VM: Yes, you're bound to. Now, Mr. Gowen, you, a one-leggéd man are applying for the role of a professional wrestler...
ZG: Yes, right.
VM: ...a role traditionally associated with a two-leggéd...artiste...
ZG: Ah........yes.
VM: ...and yet you, a unidexter...are applying for the role...
ZG: Yes, that's right, yes.
VM: ...a role for which two legs would seem to be...the minimum requirement. Well, Mr. Gowen, need I point out to you with undue emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards... landing the role?
ZG: Er, yes, yes, I think you ought to.
VM: Perhaps I ought.
ZG: Yes.
VM: Perhaps I ought. Need I say with too much stress, that it is in the leg division that you are deficient.
ZG: Oh, the leg division?
VM: The leg division, Mr. Gowen, you are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like...
ZG: Ah!
VM: ...it's a lovely leg for the role. As soon as I saw it come in I said, "Hello, what a lovely leg for the role". I've got nothing against your right leg...
ZG: Ah!
VM: ...the trouble is...neither have you. You, er, you fall down on the left.
ZG: You mean it's inadequate?
VM: It is inadequate, Mr. Gowen. In my view the public is not yet ready...for the sight of a one-leggéd man performing moonsaults off the top rope.
ZG: Right, yes.
VM: ...however great the charm of the performer be. They are not ready for it...mind you, you score over a man with no legs at all. If a legless man came in here demanding the role, I'd have no hesitation in saying "Go away! Hop off!"
ZG: So there's still hope?
VM: Yes, there is still hope, Mr. Gowen. If we get no two-leggéd artistes in here within, say, the next...eighteen months, there is every chance that you, a unidexter, are the very type of artiste we shall be attempting to contact at this agency.
ZG: Oh!
VM: I'm just sorry I can't be more definite, but you must understand that with the way the wrestling business is today......

So there you have it. The tape became distorted at the end of the conversation. Needless to say that earlier this year Vince McMahon signed Zach Gowen to a contract, and he's been tearing it up on Smackdown for a few weeks now.

Keep an eye on this column and on my website, www twoshedsreview.vze.com, for more exclusives such as this!

(With gratious thanks to the late, great, Peter Cook & Dudley Moore for providing the source material for this column. Of course, by now, you've worked out it's fake, haven't you?)