Saturday, 31 December 2005

The Secret Diary Room Session

Today I have for you an exclusive. My contacts in Channel 4 sent me this information concerning this year's Big Brother. What you are about to read is a transcript of a Diary Room session Cameron had last night. It was thought that Channel 4 would show this in their recap programme this evening, but they decided against it. I have seen the footage and can tell you that it is one hundred percent genuine.

CAMERON: Hello Big Brother.

BIG BROTHER: Hello, Cameron. How can we help you this evening?

CAMERON: Well, there's something I've always wanted to know, and I was wondering if perhaps you could help me, if you could answer a few questions for me.

BIG BROTHER: Big Brother is always here to answer your questions Cameron.

CAMERON: Okay then. Well, you see, I was wondering. Your wife. Is she....a....goer...eh?

BIG BROTHER: I'm not sure if I understand the question.

CAMERON: Your wife.....does she, er, does she "go", eh? Know what I mean, know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Say no more.

BIG BROTHER: Big Brother is not her to ask questions of that nature.

CAMERON: I bet she does. I bet she does. I bet she does. Know what I mean? Nudge nudge.

BIG BROTHER: I'm sorry, I don't quite follow you.

CAMERON: Follow me! Follow me! I like that! That's good. A nod is as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh?

BIG BROTHER: Are you trying to tell Big Brother something?

CAMERON: Telling, telling. You're wicked, eh? Know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Nudge nudge. (At this point Cameron leaned forward in the Diary Room chair and winked. He then began to speak very slowly.) Say....no....more. (Cameron then leaned back into the Diary Room chair.)

BIG BROTHER: Big Brother is not....

CAMERON: (Raising finger) Your wife is she....is she a sport?

BIG BROTHER: Big Brother isn't allowed to answer questions of a personal nature.

CAMERON: I bet she does. I bet she likes cricket! But then again, who doesn't? Know what I mean? Likes games, likes games. I bet she does. I bet she's been around, eh?

BIG BROTHER: Big Brother isn't allowed to answer questions of a personal nature.

CAMERON: Your wife interested in er....photographs, eh? Know what I mean? Photographs, he asked him knowingly.

BIG BROTHER: Photography?

CAMERON: Yes. Nudge nudge. Snap snap. Grin, grin, wink, wink, say no more.

BIG BROTHER: Holiday snaps?

CAMERON: Could be, could be taken on holiday. Could be yes - swimming costumes. Know what I mean? Candid photography. Know what I mean, nudge nudge.

BIG BROTHER: Big Brother doesn't allow any form of photography in the house.

CAMERON: Oh. Still. (Cameron slaps his hands lightly twice.) Woah! Eh? Wo-oah! Eh?

BIG BROTHER: Is there something you'd like to tell Big Brother Cameron?

CAMERON: Oh...no...no...Yes.

BIG BROTHER: Big Brother is always here to answer any question you might have.

CAMERON: Well, I mean. Er, I mean. You're a man of the world, aren't you...I mean, er, you've er..you've been there, haven't you....I mean you've been around...eh?

BIG BROTHER: What do you mean Cameron?

CAMERON: Well I mean you've er...you've done it...I mean like, you know...you've...er...you've slept...with a lady.

BIG BROTHER: And your point is Cameron?

CAMERON: What's it like?

(With gratious thanks to "Monty Python's Flycing Circus: The Complete Unexpurgated Scripts of the Original TV Series", published by Mandarin books.)