Sunday, 31 December 2000

The Two Sheds Review Awards 2000

It's a cold December night here in Cromer, as wrestling and local celebrities gather at the Anglia Court Hotel, overlooking the North Sea, for the first, annual Two Sheds Review Awards, sponsored by the Mads Timm Appreciation Society.

     As you can see many of the invited guests are arriving. Here we see Stephanie
McMahon-Helmsey, sadly without her husband, Triple H, recovering from the injuries he sustained in the Hell In A Cell encounter at Armageddon.
    Local singing groups The Cromer Smugglers and The Constantia Brothers are seen arriving. Both groups will be performing this evening, joining in a medley of the songs nominated in the "Entrance Music of the Year" category, mainly because the award organisers couldn't afford Run DMC, Kid Rock, and The Insane Clown Posse.
    And there's Mike Sanders, nominated in the "Rookie of the Year" category, closely followed by new DSD co-editor Jordan Allsworth, as well as wrestlinglegends Bret Hart, Mick Foley and Shawn Michaels.
    And here is William Regal, seemingly pleased at being back in Britain. And now we enter the Smuggler's Tavern Bar in the hotel, as the ceremony is about to begin. And your host for this evening's awards, The Professor!
   
    The audience begins to clap as The Professor takes to the podium.
    "Good evening, and welcome to the first Two Sheds Review Awards, although quite why someone would want to give awards to something which involves two half-naked men grabbing each other in certain positions is quite beyond me! On behalf of everyone here at the hotel, and to our sponsors and organisers, I would like to thank everyone for attending this event. I do have a small announcement to make before I go on. Sadly, Vince McMahon couldn't make it this evening. Wife troubles, so I understand.
    "Our security this evening is provided by Mr. Faarooq and Mr. Bradshaw, of the Acolytes Protection Agency. These two gentlemen, rather than being paid in cash, have chosen to be paid in beer, although I must inform you that a gentleman called The Sandman has just stolen the lorry load of beer reserved for you, after attacking the driver with a kendo stick."
    Enraged by this, Faarooq and Bradshaw leap up out of their seats and barge out of the room.
    "And now onto our first award this evening - the TS award for Match of the Year. The nominations are as follows....."
    "Triple H v Cactus Jack, Hell in a Cell, February 2000,"
    "Triple H, X-Pac, Chris Benoit, Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn v The Rock, Cactus Jack, Rikishi & Too Cool, February, 2000,"
    "Chris Benoit v Chris Jericho v Kurt Angle, IC/Euro title match, April 2000,"
    "Hell in a Cell Six Pack Challenge, December 2000. And the winner is....."
    The Professor reaches into his pocket and takes out the winning envelope, opening it. "Hell in a Cell Six Pack Challenge, December 2000!"
    And receiving the award on behalf of himself and the other combatants in the match, The Rock!
    Walking up to the podium, The Rock smells the air and raises his eyebrow.
    "Finally, The Rock has come back to Cromer!"
    "Excuse me!", says The Professor. "But I believe that you haven't actually been to Cromer before, so how can you come back here?"
    The Rock stares at The Professor, and snatches the award from him. "Know your role Jabroni!"
    The Rock marches off the stage. The Professor adjusts his tie before continuing.
    "Yes, quite. The next category doesn't really have much to do with wrestling itself. It's the award for Entrance Music of the Year, although I must admit I preferred it when Triple H came to the ring to Beethoven's Ode To Joy. At least Ric Flair still uses Also Sprach Zarathrustra!"
    "Now, to give us a medley of the three nominated songs, local popular singing groups, The Cromer Smugglers and The Constantia Brothers!"
    The audience begins to clap, but a look of utter disbelief soon appears on their faces, and especially on the faces of Jim Johnston and Jimmy Hart as first, The Constantia Brothers play their rendition of Run DMC's "The Kings", although it doesn't really sound right played by a native Greek band.
    This rendition is closely followed by The Cromer Smugglers, and their folk-like rendition of the Insane Clown Posse's "Take It". Again, this doesn't quite sound right hearing the words "Take It" shouted in a broad, Norfolk accent.
    Finally (thank God), the Constantia Brothers play again, with their rendition of Kid Rock's "American Bad Ass", and hearing someone sing "I'm a bad ass in black" in a Greek accent doesn't quite sound right.
    Without the expected applause, the Professor looks somewhat disgusted by what he has just heard. It takes him a few seconds to regain his composure.
    "Are you quite done? Good. Now you've heard the nominations, I will announce the winner."
    Opening the envelope, the Professor reads out the winner. "And the winner is....The Kings, Run DMC.”
    The audience begins to applaud again. Receiving the award on behalf of Run DMC, the WWF's music producer, Jim Johnston! Jim Johnston comes to the podium, and the Professor gives him the award, before shaking his head and leaving, disturbed by what he just heard.
    "My sentiments exactly."

    After a short intermission, allowing the guests a toilet break, the awards continue.
    "Our next award honours the hard working people on the Internet who put their heart and souls in something they like - spreading unfounded rumours about wrestlers - sorry, I mean making e-mail wrestling newsletters. I must admit I rarely read such publications. I prefer to read a quality publication such as The Times, and if The Times ever started a wrestling section, I would send a strong letter to the editor! "
    "But I'm getting away from the point here. The following award is for Newsletter of the Year. And the nominations are.....
    "Pro Wrestling Chronicle,"
    "The Chokeslam Newsletter,"
    "WWF: The Inside Source Newsletter. And the winner is....."
    The Professor fumbles with the envelope, almost blading himself opening it.
    "The Chokeslam Newsletter!"
    The audience begins to clap once again.
    "Sadly, we had intended to take you to our satellite link up, direct to the penthouse apartment of Michael, TCN's editor. But what with modern technology what it is, we have been unable to do so. So I'll keep this award until later!"

    "Our next award is - finally, someone cultured to talk about! Our next award is for British Wrestler of the Year. Sadly, British wrestling isn't what it used to be. Gone are the days when we see two sad, fat, middle-aged men fighting while eating our tea on a Saturday afternoon. But I digress. The nominations for the award are..... "
    "Fit Finlay,"
    "William Regal,"
    "Screamin' Norman Smiley. And the winner is..."
    "WILLIAM REGAL!"
    The audience begins to applaud as Regal makes his way to the podium and accepts the award from the Professor.
    "Thank you, my good man. It's nice to finally meet a cultured individual such as yourself, after months of dealing with the hooligans of the WWF."
    "Get on with it!"
    The camera shows leading comedy writer and actress Caroline Aherne in the audience.
    "Do you mind, madam? I'm trying to accept an award here! This is just the sort of thing I've been talking about in the past few weeks. It's nice to know that one's efforts to deal with such uncultured oafs is finally being appreciated somewhere. Thank you very much."
    The audience, except for Caroline Aherne, applaud loudly. After taking a sip from his glass of Chateau Safeway, The Professor makes his next announcement.
    "To present the next award, may I introduce to you, the man regarded as the best wrestling writer in his own house.....Julian Radbourne!"
    The audience applauds as TSR writer Julian Radbourne comes to the podium.
    "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. For many years now, I have been a writer, and for the past year or so, I have read literally dozens of columns in various e-mail newsletters, some good, some bad. This following award, for Columnist of the Year, is to honour one special writer who spends hours at the keyboard, churning out column after column, and even more hours in front of their televisions watching wrestling. The nominations are..... "
    "Jerry, for Rounding The Squared Circle,"
    "Graysox, for Assorted Babblings,"
    "And Jack Hensley, for his various columns. And the winner is....."
    "Jerry, for Rounding The Squared Circle."
    The audience claps and cheers loudly, approving of the choice.
    "Sadly, Jerry is unable to be here with us tonight, but by the magic of television, we can join Jerry live in the PWD Big Brother house. I understand that there has been some rumblings within the house, because Dave Meltzer has been using Jerry's toothbrush. Jerry, can you hear me?"
    On the screen behind Julian, Jerry's image appears, holding the much coveted prize.
    "I appreciated the honour of being named TSR's first Columnist of the Year. To be recognised by one's peers is truly a high compliment. It is things like this that make writing worthwhile. All of us who write wrestling columns do so because of our love of the sport. It makes the hours we spend watching every wrestling program we can, the time we spent at our keyboards writing our columns, & responding to the mail we get, whether it be pro or con, worth the effort. Once again please accept my heart felt thanks for this award."
    The screen goes blank as Jerry goes to retrieve his toothbrush, to the applause of the audience.
    "Have we got the linkup to Chicago yet?", asks Julian, the stage hand shaking his head. "In that case, before I go on, I would like to make a personal statement. There is one wrestling writer out there who, in my opinion, is excellent, and I think it's a damn shame that he limits himself to just writing for British fanzines when his views should be seen all over the world via the Internet. Junkpile, you should remain silent no more!"
    The audience once again applauds, as another intermission begins.
    After the intermission, The Professor, fresh from a trip to the bar to get a shot of whiskey, returns to the podium.
    "I have a message for Mr. Faarooq and Mr. Bradshaw - the event organisers have managed to locate another supply of beer for you, but sadly, it's the awful stuff from Safeway that costs £1.49 for four cans. And now onto our next award."
    "Despite the views of one Eric Bischoff a couple of years ago, tag-team wrestling is alive and well. In my opinion, this is just another chance for a group, rather than just two, semi-naked men to grab each other in odd positions."
    "Get on with it!", shouts Julian from off at the side.
    "Yes. Anyway, the following award commemorates their efforts, in the Tag-Team of the Year Award. And the nominations are....."
    "Edge and Christian,
    "The Dudley Boys,
    "The Perfect Event,
    "The Hardy Boys,
    "And The Impact Players. And the winners are.....
    "Edge and Christian!"

    With the audience applauding and the crowd cheering, Edge and Christian come down to the podium, to receive their awards from the Professor.
    "This award totally reeks of awesomeness.", says Edge."It's an honour to get this.....thing."
    "Yeah!", says Christian. "Award shows totally rule, especially when we win them!"
    The speech is cut short as the Dudleys pick up their table, clear everything off, and put it in front of the stage. Edge and Christian beat a hasty retreat. Buh-Buh Ray Dudley eyes up theProfessor before D-Von pulls him away.
    "What a pair of unruly gentlemen."

    "Our next award in a way not only awards wrestlers, but the people behind the scenes, the writers, who come up with the storylines. Without their input, the Feud of the Year would be quite useless. And thenominations are…”
    "Steve Austin v Triple H and Rikishi,"
    "Chris Benoit v Chris Jericho,"
    "Triple H v The Rock,"
    "Team Canada v The Misfits in Action. And the winner is....."
    "Chris Benoit v Chris Jericho!"
    Accepting the award on behalf of himself and Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho. Jericho makes his way to the stage to the cheers of the audience, and accepts the award from the Professor.
    "Welcome to TSR is Jericho!"
    "Pardon? TSR is Jericho? What the Dickens are you talking about man?"
    Jericho looks at the Professor like he's an idiot.
    "On behalf of Chris Ben-oyt, who was actually just a bit part player in this act, I would like to accept this award. It is one of the best EEEEEEEEEVER accolades I have ever received. Thank you very much."
    As the audience sounds their approval, Jericho leaves the stage.
    "What an unpleasant young man. He could do with a haircut and a shave."

    "Ladies and gentlemen, I would again like to introduce to you, the man considered the tenth best writer on the Internet, Julian Radbourne!"
    Julian again comes onto the stage.
    "This next award is a special award which was added at the last minute. The TSR Man of the Year award has only one nomination. The award goes to the man who suceeded in doing something that no one else has ever done - getting Hulk Hogan off my television. The TSR Man of the Year is none other than Vince Russo!"
    Russo, with the words I LOVE NY on the back of his tuxedo, comes onto the stage, and accepts the award from Julian.
    "I'll keep this short. Cromer sucks, I love New York, Mr. McMahon, can I have my job back please?"

    After another short intermission, the awards continue.
    “Welcome back to what is thankfully the final segment of this awards show. Don't worry, there's only three more awards left. Have we got the linkup to Chicago yet?"
    The stagehand once again shakes his head.
    "What's wrong with a normal telephone call? Anyway, our next award honours the individual who has made great strides in the early stages of his career, Rookie of the Year. And the nominations are.....

    "Mike Sanders,
    "Kurt Angle,
    "Mike Jindrak and Sean O'Haire. And the winner is.....
    "Kurt Angle!"
    With his Olympic medals draped around his neck, Kurt Angle comes onto the stage and accepts the award
    "After winning Olympic gold, followed this year by the European, Intercontinental and WWF championships, I didn't think I could get any higher. So when I look at this.....award, I come to the conclusion that this.....award doesn't really mean much. It's true! It's true!"
    To a muted response, Kurt leaves the stage.
    "Never has a truer word been spoken."

    "In a total opposite to our last award, the following is to award the individual who, after overcoming the odds, has made a successful return to active competition this year. To present the award for Comeback of the Year, the man recognised as a legend in his own garden centre, Julian Radbourne."
    Once again the TSR writer makes his way to the stage.
    "In my opinion, there is only one man who deserves his award. Returning after a career-threatening neck injury, he returned to the WWF to pick up where he left off in November last year. This year's winner - Stone Cold Steve Austin!"
    Austin's music plays, but Austin doesn't appear. Then the Professor appears again.
    "Ladies and gentlemen, I've just learned that Mr.Austin has engaged The Sandman in a fight over the APA's beer truck. He will be unable to accept his award this evening."
    Julian turns to the stagehand again.
    "Have we got the linkup to Chicago yet?"
    The stagehand again shakes his head.
    "Right. Time for another personal statement. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to say, that if I decided to hold this awards ceremony again next year, that there is one man I would like to see in contention for Comeback of the Year, and that's CENSORED. This man is one of the legends in this industry. From his days as Razor Ramon to the early days of the original NWO, CENSORED proved that he is one of the top athletes and top draws in this industry. I really hope that CENSORED gets his life back in order and is able to make it big again, whether it be in WCW, ECW of the WWF. CENSORED, hope to see you around again soon."
    The audience begins to cheer, and a CENSORED chant begins to ring throughout the hotel.

    "Thank you, Julian. Our next, penultimate award, thank goodness, is a special award, and is to be presented by wrestling legend and best-selling author...ah! At last! A man of intellect! Ladies and gentlemen, Mick Foley!"
     Wearing his usual baggy sweat pants, and torn checked shirt, the opposite to the dinner dress that everyone else is wearing, Mick Foley comes to the stage.
    "I must say that it feels good to be here in Cromer, England!"
    The audience cheers Foley's cheap pop.
    "This next award is the TSR Lifetime Achievement Award. From what I understand, I was considered for this award. Hey! I've got no problems with that. There's always next year! Anyway, the first TSR Lifetime Achievement Award foes to the man who has won titles wherever he has competed, whether it be in Canada, the WWF, or WCW. His career was sadly cut short late last year after a botched move. Ladies and gentlemen, this year's Lifetime Achievement award winner, Calgary's own, Bret "Hitman" Hart!"
    With his old WWF music playing, and the audience cheering loudly, Bret comes through the audience and onto the stage. Accepting the award and a warm greeting from Foley, Bret is about to speak when.....
    "Get off you pussy!"
     The camera pans to find Jordan Allsworth heckling Bret Hart. Bret stares at Jordan, before leaving the stage and chasing after Jordan, who runs out of the hotel. Foley looks on, shocked, before leaving the stage.
    "Well, I wasn't expecting that to happen!"

    "Our final award honours the person considered to be the most valuable asset to whatever company they work for. It not only honours the titles they won, but the hard work they do behind the scenes. Once again, to present the award for Wrestler of the Year, the chairman of the Mads Timm Appreciation Society, Julian Radbourne!"
    The audience, now getting a little fed up of seeing Julian, claps anyway.
    "I'll get straight to the point this time. The nominations for Wrestler of the Year are....
    “The Rock,"
    “Rob Van Dam,"
    “Triple H,"
    “Booker T,"
    “And Tommy Dreamer. And the winner is....."
    “Triple H!"
    Triple H is unable to be here tonight, because of his injuries. Accepting the award on his behalf, his wife, Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley!
    MH makes her way to the stage, as Julian gives her the award.
    “My husband, Triple H, is very pleased to receive this award, and it is especially gratifying to me, especially with all the trouble my family is going through at the moment. On his behalf, I say, thank you."
    Stephanie leaves the stage to the applause of the audience.

    "Well, that's your lot. I'm off to the bar to get drunk. I heartily recommend that everyone does the same, because I believe we all need it after this thing!"
    "Wait!", cried the stagehand. "We finally have the linkup to Chicago!"
    The main screen flickers to life, and the image of Michael, the former Mr. TWA, and editor of The Chokeslam Newsletter, appears before all. Michael is about to speak when suddenly.....the screen goes blank.
    "Blast it!", curses the stagehand. "We've lost the satellite!"
    "That does it!", says the Professor, loosening his bow tie. "I'm off to the